You think Grumpy Cat is grumpy? This is Izzy… a cat we live with… A cat that has never been happy about anything. I think when she was born, the happy was left in the other parts of the litter. She was grumpy before grumpy became the internet sensation. She will probably make a mark… and you will let her. If you won’t let her, she’ll do it anyway. Don’t expect a purr, don’t expect anything but nothing.
She makes my life a nightmare… I sleep with one eye open. To this day One eyelid is shorter than another… because of this cat.
All that being said, how could you not love that face? Because, if the truth is to be told, this is probably the last face I see before I die.
That midlife realization, illustrated above, is one large pill to swallow. It takes a LOT of water to get that one down your throat. I realize that it’s not the most optimistic view of life, but then, most of you don’t come here for my optimism. If you did well, maybe you know better now. Not that that means anything.
After all, I am merely a character in a comic strip called Bob the Squirrel.
What would I know about the middle of anything? For the last 11 years, I’ve been telling myself that I’m still at the beginning. Not really lying, but not exactly telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to myself.
A life without sarcasm would be a silent life indeed… at least for me. In fact, my first language really isn’t English, it’s sarcasm. I can throw down with the best of them… hold my own in any verbal duel. Except… there are days when the tank just isn’t as full as it needs to be to finish the trip. Those are the days that I am vulnerable for attack. Even worse, those are the days that I WANT to attack but a lack of fuel keeps me silent. I hate those days. I hate those days with a passion. That’s why I had Frank make up this little graphic. I’m getting a t-shirt and I will wear it when the reserves are low. But, when this shirt comes off this squirrel, you’d better pray to whatever Gods… because the sarcasm will make you wish you stayed away. Oh yes.
I think everyone could benefit from this gift. T-shirts are available. Get one for those off days. Treat yourself to some rest.
I admit it, it’d be kinda cool to be the Pope. But, only if I didn’t have to deal with all the bad stuff. I draw the line at bad stuff. Over a billion people love you…leaving approximately six billion that don’t know, don’t care or possibly hate you. No wonder the Pope looks the way he does.
I put my application in when Benedict XVI announced he was stepping down. It probably didn’t get there in time to be considered…and they’re probably going to promote from within the organization… it saves time in training. I should also mention that I’m not Catholic…which I didn’t think would be that big a deal… they’re not supposed to ask about religious affiliation on a job application anyway.
Today is Benedict’s last day. I’m sure he aced his exit interview and cleaned out his desk. He probably took some office supplies with him…which is fine because he now has time to hear his own confession. I wonder if the priests and nuns in the office got him a last day cake? Would they let the ex-Pope get the piece with the flower on it?
All things considered it’s probably just as well I didn’t get the gig. I like to sleep in on Sundays.
Maybe at a point, I understood the concept of a talent contest. Right now, I’m not so sure. To me, the abundance of new talent contests out there are more about the CONTEST than they are the CONTESTANTS.
I see them on the screen… kids barely through their teens… trying out for American Idol, a show they’ve watched their entire short lives. Invariably, you hear the familiar, “This has been my dream for my entire life.” Or, “There is nothing else I want to do.” These statements are coming from a 14 year old girl or a 15 year old boy. How the heck do you know this is ALL you want to do at the age of 14?! Have you tried everything out there to know this for certain?!!
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHEN THE REST OF YOUR LIFE HASN’T HAPPENED YET!!!!
Ask the singer of a wedding band, who has worked the circuit for 15 years, holding down a day job while making music at night and on weekends. Too old for the contest and too young to give up the dream entirely. Or ask the guitar player with 2 kids who plays in bars for tips. If you start at the top, there’s nowhere to go but down. But, if you start at the bottom, you appreciate any height you manage to scrape. You relish the recognition you get from paying your dues… not your admission to a contest that needs you more than you need it. Stars are made. It takes talent to makes stars… but that doesn’t necessarily mean the star needs talent.
The internet and I have been together for as long as I can remember. That’s really not saying a lot because when it all comes down to it, I can’t remember much.
For a while there, I though the internet and I were getting along fine. It was always there for me when I needed it, told me things I needed to hear, things I shouldn’t have to hear and a few things I forgot… I honestly forgot more than I remember… I think.
But this morning, it feels… different. I feel as though the internet is taking my links and burying them in cookies, code, archives and all other nether regions of the world wide wonder. I cannot rise to the top because I cannot hold enough air. So I float…unmoving… that’s why the internet hates me.
I will of course try and make it right somehow… but for now I’m going to lick my wounds and float. What else is a Bob supposed to do?
Sometimes you just want to be numb. I’m not talking a little unfeeling here or there…I’m talking turn it all off and be one with nothing kind of numb. That’s what I’m talking about.
A squeaky wheel is not a sign of low quality. A squeaky wheel has a quality all its own… it’s squeaky. Over the last few days, Frank and I have put our heads together (the first time was an accident… involving a faucet, a toothbrush and the wrong kind of toothpaste). We tried to figure out what my best qualities were and how to exploit them without depleting them. The first part took a majority of an afternoon. The one thing we kept coming back to was my super-squirrel ability to annoy. I think it’s just a part of my DNA… I could annoy a monk if you gave me enough time. I don’t need anything specific to practice this art, I am the MacGuyver of annoyance.
So, I’m going to be annoying. I’m really going to be annoying.
Yes, this is the point of view that I’m taking. It’s not all that funny. In fact, it’s probably very unfunny. Funny or unfunny, it’s as real as I’m going to get. It doesn’t even make me feel less lonely. Just one of those things on one of those days.
This may ruin my reputation, but so be it. I love to swear. I know I may not look it, but boy do I LOVE to swear. I don’t get any opportunity to do it though. That might be a good thing. When someone asks me about it, I quote the legendary Curly Howard from The Three Stooges masterpiece Disorder in the Court.When asked by the bailiff if he swears, Curly responds, ” No, but I know all the words.”
I think that pretty much says it all. If the swearing admission has changed the way you think of me, I apologize for altering your perception.
I am kidding you know. I don’t swear. But, I do know MOST of the words.
