being the Pope…

pope squirrel comic

I admit it, it’d be kinda cool to be the Pope.  But, only if I didn’t have to deal with all the bad stuff.  I draw the line at bad stuff.  Over a billion people love you…leaving approximately six billion that don’t know, don’t care or possibly hate you.  No wonder the Pope looks the way he does.

I put my application in when Benedict XVI announced he was stepping down.  It probably didn’t get there in time to be considered…and they’re probably going to promote from within the organization… it saves time in training.  I should also mention that I’m not Catholic…which I didn’t think would be that big a deal… they’re not supposed to ask about religious affiliation on a job application anyway.

Today is Benedict’s last day.  I’m sure he aced his exit interview and cleaned out his desk.  He probably took some office supplies with him…which is fine because he now has time to hear his own confession.  I wonder if the priests and nuns in the office got him a last day cake?  Would they let the ex-Pope get the piece with the flower on it?

All things considered it’s probably just as well I didn’t get the gig.  I like to sleep in on Sundays.


life is a talent contest…

talent contest

Maybe at a point, I understood the concept of a  talent contest.  Right now, I’m not so sure.  To me, the abundance of new talent contests out there are more about the CONTEST than they are the CONTESTANTS.

I see them on the screen… kids barely through their teens… trying out for American Idol, a show they’ve watched their entire short lives.  Invariably, you hear the familiar, “This has been my dream for my entire life.” Or, “There is nothing else I want to do.”  These statements are coming from a 14 year old girl or a 15 year old boy.  How the heck do you know this is ALL you want to do at the age of 14?!  Have you tried everything out there to know this for certain?!!


Ask the singer of a wedding band, who has worked the circuit for 15 years, holding down a day job while making music at night and on weekends.  Too old for the contest and too young to give up the dream entirely.  Or ask the guitar player with 2 kids who plays in bars for tips.  If you start at the top, there’s nowhere to go but down.  But, if you start at the bottom, you appreciate any height you manage to scrape.  You relish the recognition you get from paying your dues… not your admission to a contest that needs you more than you need it.  Stars are made. It takes talent to makes stars… but that doesn’t necessarily mean the star needs talent.

I’ve got a massive headache right now.

the internet hates me…

the internet hates me

The internet and I have been together for as long as I can remember.  That’s really not saying a lot because when it all comes down to it, I can’t remember much.

For a while there, I though the internet and I were getting along fine.  It was always there for me when I needed it, told me things I needed to hear, things I shouldn’t have to hear and a few things I forgot… I honestly forgot more than I remember… I think.

But this morning, it feels… different.  I feel as though the internet is taking my links and burying them in cookies, code, archives and all other nether regions of the world wide wonder.  I cannot rise to the top because I cannot hold enough air.  So I float…unmoving… that’s why the internet hates me.

I will of course try and make it right somehow… but for now I’m going to lick my wounds and float.  What else is a Bob supposed to do?

numb and numbness…

numb and numbness

Sometimes you just want to be numb.  I’m not talking a little unfeeling here or there…I’m talking turn it all off and be one with nothing kind of numb.  That’s what I’m talking about.

high standard of quality…

high standard of quality

A squeaky wheel is not a sign of low quality.  A squeaky wheel has a quality all its own… it’s squeaky.  Over the last few days, Frank and I have put our heads together (the first time was an accident… involving a faucet, a toothbrush and the wrong kind of toothpaste).  We tried to figure out what my best qualities were and how to exploit them without depleting  them.  The first part took a majority of an afternoon.  The one thing we kept coming back to was my super-squirrel ability to annoy.  I think it’s just a part of my DNA… I could annoy a monk if you gave me enough time.  I don’t need anything specific to practice this art, I am the MacGuyver of annoyance.

So, I’m going to be annoying.  I’m really going to be annoying.

Comedian Steve Martin once said, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

Bob the Squirrel says: “Be so annoying they can’t ignore you.”

third squirrel point of view

third squirrel point of view

Yes, this is the point of view that I’m taking.  It’s not all that funny.  In fact, it’s probably very unfunny.  Funny or unfunny, it’s as real as I’m going to get.  It doesn’t even make me feel less lonely.  Just one of those things on one of those days.

swear to Bob…


This may ruin my reputation, but so be it.  I love to swear.  I know I may not look it, but boy do I LOVE to swear.  I don’t get any opportunity to do it though.  That might be a good thing.  When someone asks me about it, I quote the legendary Curly Howard from The Three Stooges masterpiece Disorder in the Court.   When asked by the bailiff if he swears, Curly responds, ” No, but I know all the words.”

I think that pretty much says it all.  If the swearing admission has changed the way you think of me, I apologize for altering your perception.

I am kidding you know.  I don’t swear.  But, I do know MOST of the words.

Eye of the Squirrel…

eye of the squirrel

Not too many people know this, but the rallying song, the pump you up like a hot air balloon song Eye of the Tiger by the group Survivor was actually supposed to by Eye of the Squirrel.  But Sylvester Stallone thought it needed to be more, you know… not squirrel like.  So it became Eye of the Tiger.

That’s a total lie.  But it’s cool to think that it could be right.

What Bob Should Say CONTEST #2

What is Bob saying?  Put yourself in the mind of a squirrel…
Go ahead… we’ll make sure there is plenty of light in there.

The winning entry with get a ONCE IN A LIFETIME  THIS WEEK  opportunity to make

So get thinking and use the entry form below the picture.  Contest will end Monday, February 25th.

dialog contest


Demand SQUIRREL WEEK on the Discovery Channel!



This started out as me being a smart alec, but now I want to see if The Discovery Channel is brave enough to do SQUIRREL WEEK!  Each year we are treated to the rite of television passage known as SHARK WEEK

Why can’t there be a SQUIRREL WEEK?  We got teeth.  We can be destructive.  We have teeth that are constantly growing.  We are cuter than sharks.  We have personality.  We can be seen without the possibility of getting wet.  We like peanuts.  We like fruit.  We like people when they like us.  We are good for a ton of different things.  We’re all over the place!  Some like us, some not so much.  There’s a lot to be learned.  Shark week has had 25 years… give the tree rats a week.  I would even host it.  I mean, what would or could be better than that?

Email Discovery, find them on Facebook and Twitter… let them know you’d like to see this.  This might just be me grasping at straws or empty walnut shells.  Nothing may even come of this… but, it doesn’t hurt to ask.