Am I wrong? Does “anywhere but here” make a tear drop’s worth of sense to anyone? I mean, there will be here as soon as you get there. So in essence you’d be replacing one here for another here. A here is a here but it almost always starts out as a there. A that place becomes a this place. It’s the law…
I don’t like it, but I accept it. Even paradise, which I talked about earlier, ends up being a here when you find it, label it and finally get there.
I had all this great Halloween stuff I wanted to rant about…. honest, I did. But between where ever there was to this moment, the rant ranted right out of my head. I’ll talk more about the whole “there” and “here” thing later on in the day.
What is paradise? I really don;t know how something so specific to the individual can have a very precise definition. We have to settle for the vagueness of Webster or the inconsistency of Wikipedia or we can just look within ourselves to figure out our own definition.
I will not define my paradise. If I have to constantly think about there being a better place than the one I’m currently in, what kind of attention will I pay to my place? I mean, if there is a paradise, what’s the point of here? Maybe if I did define my paradise, I’d be happier… but I doubt it. What if paradise isn’t a specific place but rather a state of mind, a presence, an emotion? What if I figure out what it is and then later find something that is MORE paradisical? (is that a word?)
No matter what, I’m probably not going to be right. So when Eddie Money sings on and on about buying two tickets to paradise you have to wonder how well he knows the other ticket holder. What if that isn’t their paradise? It’s be a waste of a ticket.
I wonder if Eddie Money lies awake at night thinking he may have upset some philosophical balance?
If it seems like I’m begging you Disney… good, because begging is what I was going for. Everyone has a price… for those out there that say they don’t they’re lying. There’s always a price… even FREE has a price. After shelling out for Star Wars…your boy Bob is a bargain!
I like to play both sides… that way even if I lose, I kinda sorta win. This is why I tend to embrace both fate and randomness. If you are a student of both, anything weird that happens can be explained using either schools of thought and outlook. NOt that anyone really wants to hear that a broken leg was all because of fate… or randomness.
Randomness, to me, makes you feel more like an innocent victim. Something bad happened…but it was a random act. No pre-meditation. Fate tells me that if something bad happened to me, it was already written somewhere that it would happen.
Either way, the only way to deal with it, is to deal with it.
I think there should be a third school of thought to deal with dealing with it… but I’ll leave that for another time.
It’s that something else that makes me think that maybe this time I won’t get bored. But you know what? It happens. I get bored and then I try and concentrate and try to avoid it, but it just keeps knock, knock, knocking on my headache’s door.
I’m not really sure if this makes any sense…I think it goes without saying that something shiny distracted me in the middle of this. How something shiny got in the middle is beyond me, I usually keep the shiny stuff at the beginning.
What is your monday going to be like? My monday is going to consist of me helping my family get prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Hiding whatever nuts I can along with batteries, water and more nuts. Squirrels usually have pretty decent instincts when it comes to smelling danger. I honestly don’t think we’ll get it as bad as is anticipated… but as I always say (not really):
Having it and not needing it is WAY BETTER than needing it and not having it.
There are lots and lots and lots of big questions…about life, the universe, Matlock… It could take a whole lifetime to answer just one… and even then, you probably won’t get the answer right. I like to set my aspirations a little lower…. lower expectations more often than not garner above average satisfaction.
So start with the questions you can answer pretty well. Sometimes those answers can help with the harder questions.
If not, get a pizza and come back tomorrow. But remember, not every place in the universe delivers.
I have enough trouble trying to be myself everyday… I don’t need the pressure of trying to be someone or something else for halloween. that’s a lot of pressure.
I know that it’s supposed to be fun and there’s a good chance people will give you candy if you ask for it in a certain way, but still… lots of pressure. And besides, with my stature I don’t really have a ton of options…I’m essentially limited to a handful of forest creatures, fantasy figures and henry rollins.
I can’t exactly tuck this tail up into anything, my ears are too big, my arms too short and my feet and mouth are rather large.
This is frank’s post about a dear friend of ours that passed away four years ago today.
four years ago… on October 27, 2008. i lost a very dear friend. the day after his passing, i posted a documentation of the feelings i was experiencing, memories i had. It’s good to remember things like this.
i am re-posting that here, now…because i still miss him, and think about him damn near everyday. it’s really amazing how profound an effect a person can have on your life, your decision making process and simply how you look at the world.
there is something to be said for someone who, in a very short amount of time, can have such a profound effect on your life.
i met jeremy in 2003. he came on as my intern through a high school program. i had heard that he was diagnosed with leukemia and had bravely faced it down. when he first came to me i must’ve drove him nuts with questions. what can i say, i was curious. i had family who battled cancer— but i was too young to understand the gravity of what cancer was.
so i just bombarded jeremy with questions: what did you feel when you first found out? what clued you in to thinking something might be wrong? what does the chemo feel like going in? where do they put it? how long does it take? he was such a good sport about it…probably had a whole set of talking points ready to lay on people like me.
he came to me because he wanted to be a cartoonist. that’s all he wanted to do. write them, draw them, read them…i saw so much of myself in him— which is why we hit it off immediately. he was so funny. i loved to hear him laugh. i loved to make him laugh.
i am an only child. jeremy was like the little brother i never had. he loved the fact that i was one of the few adults that would tell him the straight truth. if his drawing sucked, i would tell him it sucked. if it was decent i would say that. i wouldn’t lie to him… if i lied to him it would mean that i didn’t care… and he knew that. and he respected me for that.
i told jeremy that his experience battling leukemia needs to be seen by other people. he was in a unique position to show how lonely and painful battling something you can’t see is. at the end of his internship he had put together the beginning of his chemo experience in the form of a comic book. it was to be the first in an ongoing series. i remember how proud he was, on that last day we were together, to hand me that finished copy of his comic. i helped him do that. made me feel good.
i bought him a small light table for a high school graduation present. and i told him to use it. my mantra to him was “contrast, contrast, contrast!” i would always bust his chops about how his hatching sucked. he would bust my chops back about working so much.
he went off to a local community college. at the time i lived not that far away from him. he was so happy to get out into the dorms. i would occassionally talk to him online— which was rare because he was always out doing something— being a resident assistant in the dorm— he said he wanted to do it to meet people. and meet people he did. i remember visiting him on campus and i felt like i was with the star of the football team— everyone seemed to know him and love him. i have to admit, i was jealous… but after all he went through, he deserved it. and he loved it.
just when things were all falling back into place, when leukemia seemed as though it was going to be a few pages in a huge chapter… i got the call. the cancer was back.
but jeremy was tough. if he was scared, i never knew it. this kid was going to face it down again with both middle fingers up. he tasted life and wanted more. screw cancer. he kicked its ass once, he’d do it again. and he did. but the second one took something out of him.
he went forward to finish up his two year degree. he wanted to write and draw comics, design video games… nothing was going to stop him from doing that. but the cancer thing was lingering it was pushing against him time and time again. but no matter what he was going to get his degree.
when i was going through some heavy personal shit, i remember talking to jeremy. my life as i knew it was falling apart before my eyes… i was confused, scared didn’t think i had many options. i was willing to spend my life miserable because i was too frightened to do anything about it… because doing something meant that i had to sacrifice things… that it would be hard… jeremy could do that in his sleep. he would say that life was too short to be miserable… i’m not saying that his words solely convinced me to change my life… but they helped.
earlier this year jeremy got sick again. i kidnapped him one day and took him to the art supply store. we talked about going to see iron man, the hulk, the new batman movie. i just thought that he would kick this round like the other two. i remember specifically driving home on route 49 with jeremy sitting next to me thinking, ” this is one of the toughest m—–f—-rs i know…” he was still doing the college thing… driving to syracuse for treatment week after week…
when i got settled into my new house, he came over to visit. and he was busting my chops as usual…because i had the house, the white picket fence, the beautiful girl, the small yappy dog… everything i said i’d never be — i became… jerk
that would be the last time i would see him outside of a hospital.
he went to university hospital not too long after that. i went up to visit him a couple times. i regret now that i didn’t bring a camera with me… i have no pictures of me and him together. with jeremy though, i was being uncharacteristcally optimistic… i’d get my picture with him… when he beat it this time, i told him i was taking his ass to get a tattoo.. i think he deserved it.
his mom called me and wanted to know if i wanted to make an artwork donation for a families of cancer of benefit… instead of picking out something that was already done i decided to do the portrait of jeremy that you see at the beginning of this post. i mean it was for jeremy. the piece was going to be auctioned off… i knew that… i planned on doing another one just for him. someone was able to buy back the piece from whoever bought it… when i went to see him at th hospital the second time, the painting was right by his bed. that really got me.
but syracuse couldn’t knock the cancer out of him. so off to buffalo…another hospital, another cancer center… nothing. i was making plans to go and see him in buffalo but he left there for another experimental treatment in new york city. so i was starting to make plans to go down there. i kept putting off calling him. my life has become chaotic in the past few months… i couldn’t make five minutes to call him and bust his chops? i would do it. i have to… it’s jeremy.
yesterday, i got home after work… the dogs had wrecked the house, there was pee on the carpets, in my studio, lucy pooped in the bathroom… and i went insane… then my phone rang.
jeremy was gone. the world stopped for a moment.
before he passed, he made sure to tell his mom that he wanted me to be the first to know.
my friend, my boy, my little brother… was gone. his fight was over.
you never know how it feels until it happens to you. this is a mixed feeling. i’m glad that he’s done with the pain, the struggle, that he doesn’t have to spend anymore time in another goddamn hospital. eat another crappy hospital meal. lay awake all night, alone… with nothing but some dvds and a sketchbook by his side.
and i’m angry….i want to have coffee with my friend again… but i can’t. i want to be able to watch him develop as an artist and writer but i can’t. he was 24 years old. 24 years old. everything he ever wanted to do in his life, i’m doing. i’m doing what he wanted to do… i am living his dream… without even knowing it i am.
after yesterday, there are a bunch of little things that really don’t have the weight to me like they used to.
it was an honor to know you jeremy. i’ll never forget you dude.
— a few days after he passed, i was a pallbearer at his funeral. jeremy’s family had all the bob the squirrel comic strips i did about him displayed with all the flowers sent. in addition, a painting i had done of jeremy was there. they played louis armstrong’s version of “what a wonderful world” during the service. if i hadn’t really lost it by then, that song did it. Can’t think of anything or anyone but him every time i hear it.